Importance: 10%
The Big Idea:
Book Suggestions
Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership by Ruth Haley BartonÂ
The Domestication of Transcendence by William C. Plancher
AssertivenessÂ
Personal Boundaries need to come from a clear definition of who I am and what I stand for. These boundaries should be flexible and able to adjust based on life and what is happening but not become nonexistent or so rigid that I refuse to do things based on the boundary and not for the reason the boundary was created.
It is natural to feel guilty or anxious about boundaries especially when you receive push back from the people and family systems that you live in.Â
It is important that you respect your boundaries as a way to honor yourself so that you can show others how to do it as well as honor who they are as people as well.Â
If you only ever do the things others ask or want you to do then you will never live the life you want or that is healthy for you but will instead look and act according to others ideas of who you should be.
Boundaries are also an important way to only take responsibility for the things you can change and have control over. Which is yourself and your own decisions and emotions. By respecting yourself by maintaining healthy boundaries you are able to say the things you should and can take responsibility for and avoid taking on other people’s emotions, desires, or expectations that are not your responsibility.Â
Being assertive is not about being rude or just getting what you want. It is about being firm in the reality of who you are and the good and right expectations you have for yourself and others. Being wishy washy doesn’t actually help others and it definitely doesn’t help yourself.Â
To make boundaries go through and list all the things you are really good at what are you skills, work, and other valuables areas. And what are the things that you are not. What are things you can get better at and what are things that you can shelve?
Also what areas truly fill you up and give you joy and what areas drain you? How can you maximize the positive areas and manage working in the draining ones?Â
Healthy ConflictÂ
The lack of conflict makes people and systems stagnate. Rather than being an idea it is a sure sign of a dying and inert group of people.
Healthy conflict is the way that varying ideas and perspectives can have honest conversations about what is going on and different ways to approach a problem that brings the full range of creativity and variety of gifts and perspectives held within the group.
Level one conflict is where there is no conflict, everything is boring and dead.Â
Level two conflict is when there are underlying issues but no one talks about them and there are no resolutions; they just kinda sit under the surface.
Level three conflict is the healthy place to be. It is when conflict can be voiced and processed but with a focus on the problem and no personal attacks. What this means is that I can disagree with you and the way you think we should solve this problem but as people we are still in a good trusting relationship. Therefore conflict is a variation in opinion and perspective that can be discussed and navigated in a positive way.Â
Level four conflict is where conflict stops being about the problems and issues that need to be solved and ends up being about the personal character of the people involved. This is where conflict becomes toxic because instead of us having a disagreement that we want to become stronger because of the conflict becomes a weapon to start attacking each other with. This is the most common level of conflict that ends up being talked about and how to avoid slipping into deeper conflict from level four.
What this means is that a healthy group of Christians needs to work from the perspective that conflict is not bad, what is bad is personal attacks. It is good to be able to tell someone when their behavior upsets or concerns you. If that is then turned into a healthy conversation about why that is the case and a way to work together in a way that is healthy for both people then conflict pushes the team forward in a healthy way. But if that same conversation devolves into name calling and blaming each other, what was an opportunity to grow has now become a reason for division and further hurt.Â
An important way to talk about conflict in a non escalatory way is to use I and we language. I felt disrespected when you….. We felt like you didn’t care about us when you…. This is also important to respond to this kind of language with an honest and open conversation with the idea of growing trust and commitment to each other.Â
This all starts by acting in trustworthy ways because conflict will escalate if there is not a base of trust and commitment to each other. Just like it is easy to get really mad at a faceless car driver than a friend making similarly frustrating decisions right in front of you.Â
It all comes back to separating problems from people. We can fix problems, not people. Problems come and go, healthy groups shouldn’t have lots of turn over without reason.Â
MeditationÂ
LamentÂ
Repent and lament are options for responding to suffering
Integrating Church and SchoolÂ
Katie sees the church and school as not super integrated